god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
