pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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