i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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