It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
