Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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