Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
