I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
