dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just want to make out with him forever
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
