My liver just broke up with me...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
