Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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