The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
