I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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