loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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