i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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