I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
