Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
