Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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