Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You ruined the universe
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
