i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
