you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
