If i come over, it means nothing
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
