Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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