Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
