they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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