he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
