The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
