I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
