I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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