oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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