So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
is it fun? or sober?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
