there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
