she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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