I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
