Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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