Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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