apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Green mimosas i think yes
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
