There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
