Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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