i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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