walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
