she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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