can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
