the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You are a genius and a whore.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
