If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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