So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
