in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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