She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
