Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize