I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
