Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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