Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
