Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
