Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
