she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
