I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize